Yesterday, a
young friend of mine posted a funny story on Facebook about a "middle
aged" man that he had seen at the gym.
I instinctively cringed a bit as I read it, especially when he revealed
that the guy was in his mid- to late-forties.
The cold,
hard fact is that I am middle-aged. I
just turned 46. Multiply that number by
two, and you get 92. That's a pretty
ripe old age to aspire to. The first
time my therapist referred to some of my issues as having to do with being
"middle aged," I almost cried.
My ass sags, a fact which I am happy to blame on my mother's
contribution to my gene pool. The pant
size I am currently wearing doesn't exist at Macy's. The arm muscles which I used to be so proud
of seem barely there. I shave my head so
I can forget once in a while that I actually have no hair on the top of my head,
whether I shave it or not. The lines on
my face get deeper and deeper with every passing hour.
We live in a
youth-oriented society. We love to see
the smooth young skin, the innocent eyes, the faces not covered in laugh-lines,
the unconscious swagger and confidence that defines a 20 something's walk, the
six-pack abs, the full head of hair, and the promise of a lifetime ahead of
them. We love to watch the hope of a new
generation. Let's face it, we also don't
mind so much the perky butts, the six-pack abs, and the ability to become
sexually excited without having to think about it or mortgage the house for the
little blue pills.
I am struck
by the fact that my reaching middle aged seems some sort of failure. God forbid that I have a stomach that sticks
out, or that I have to pull my ass cheeks up to clean under them, or that my hairline
stopped receding after it had nowhere else to recede to, or that my biceps don't
bulge like they used to. Or how about
the fact that going to bed at 10:30 p.m. on a work night seems late? Or how about the tacit surrender at 6:00 a.m.
when I opt to put on the "relaxed" jeans, and the XXL t-shirt to
trudge off to work in?
I always
felt the need apologize for all of that, even if just silently.
Well, honey,
it's a brand new day.
It occurred to
me that not only did I just turn 46, but I just marked 24 years as being
HIV+. If you do the math, you'll realize
that I seroconverted in 1990 at the age of 22.
I should be dead. Really. Dead.
Middle-aged
means I survived. I survived AIDS,
including AZT, Crixivan and resultant kidney stones, Sustiva and 10 years of
nightmares in Technicolor, and other medications, the names of which I can't
recall, but which I do recall made me feel crappy. I survived Hep C, two failed treatment regimens,
and the evilness that is pegylated interferon.
I survived drug addiction, alcoholism and depression. I survived the passage of Prop 8 and two
terms of George W. Bush. I survived the
loss of my personal faith, being told by devout Christians that I was going to
hell right along with everybody else like me, and the period of time in which I
was deathly afraid they were right. I've
gotten through the illness and loss of a parent. I've survived a marriage and a divorce. I've been defeated and abandoned and lost,
and had my heart broken into so many pieces I didn't think there was enough
super glue on the planet to put it back together again. I've survived my legions of mistakes and the
darkness of my own humanity.
But you know
what? "I'm still here." To quote Mr. Sondheim.
Not only did
I survive, but I thrived. I've held a
job for 19 years. I've taken pills to
keep HIV from killing me for almost that long.
I've studied the arts. I've played
some of the greatest Shakespearean parts ever written and directed some shows
that cut to the heart. I've sung. I studied ballet in my late 30's. I've told stories and spoken other's
words. I've loved intensely and forgiven
with gusto. Mourned the passing of
friendships, smiled at a stranger and been struck with the amazing force of a
friend's love for me. I've hoped and
I've dreamed. I've struggled to be
better, to be more loving, kinder and gentler.
The days that I chose not to give up far outnumber the days that I have. I've had spiritual experiences that boggle
the mind and overflow the heart. I've
seen the presence of Divinity in the smallest of miracles and in the greatest
of events. I've prayed in a forest, and
let my soul fly free with the wind. I've
had long conversations with passing animals and let them heal my soul. I've knelt in empty churches and felt the
prayers of countless worshippers and the comfort of God. I've told my truths and let the chips fall
where they may. I've felt the hope of
youth inside of me, even now. I've
gloried in the sight of beautiful men and giggled with the humor of mankind. I've done all those things and more. I still do them. I hold the possibilities of my life in front
of me, and I hunger for the expansion of that knowledge and that love of my
fellow humanity and the earth which keeps us close.
Middle age? It's not something to apologize for. It's something to celebrate, admire, and appreciate. It's something to aspire to. Not something to draw away from in
shame.
It's a brand
new day.
The next
time somebody refers to a middle aged man at the gym, I'm going to smile really
big and say, "How exciting!"